Boundaries: modeled, proximate, attainable.
Where one thing ends and another begins
Sometimes my emotions become overwhelmed by another person’s story. A co-worker’s painful experience becomes my own tears even as they remain dry-eyed. My mother’s anxiety becomes my own in airports and doctor’s offices. The thing is, though, most of the time I began the conversation trying to help the other person. Maybe that’s how I get pulled in too deep—bringing myself closer and closer to their burden without being able to take care of myself first.
On the note of boundaries, I often recall this definition by Prentis Hemphill: “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”
I wonder if most people around me aren’t skilled at living by their boundaries (or if that’s mainly me?) and about how I’m not skilled at recognizing them. At work, a boundary seems like it could be a simple statement or request made in the body of an email or across a Zoom meeting. I’m currently working on a job where the team is completely remote. While I appreciate the flexibility, I miss the humanness of seeing people physically. I feel like I’m missing out on opportunities to learn from others.
The other week I was in a meeting with a co-worker. I enjoy working with her. We have similar interests, and she brings a decade more of experiences than me.
I had sent her a frantic message on Slack the day before. I was going through a stressful moment of feeling overworked, and we needed to move some of my tasks off my list for the month. After we were both clear on the work, she told me her own version of this story. Over the weekend, she faced a colleague in the throws of an impending deadline who was making big requests and proposing big changes.
She didn’t get caught up in the other person’s urgency. She said to her colleague, “I’m not stressed. You’re stressed.”
I was set back, admiring the simplicity of her statement. She and her colleague eventually found a resolution.
I want to help the people around me. I hope the next time someone I care about is going through a hard time, I’ll be able to recognize when their feelings end and mine begin. I won’t be able to help if I don’t.
Before you go…
Do you have an example of someone modeling a boundary? If you can, share in the comments. I’d love to see.
I’m going on my third year of fully remote work now. What about you? Do you wish you worked with others in-person? Or do you find remote work meets more of your needs than not?
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I love this: “I am not stressed. You are stressed.” I’ll try to keep that in mind next time I struggle with putting things in perspective. I share some of these struggles, and I work to take a step back and differentiate myself from others’ lives.
I like Judy’s writing because as usual she is able to sum up complex emotions and the human experience with simple but yet beautiful and elegant prose. Anyone who has ever done any kind of writing knows how hard this is.